Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Pirate vs the beasties

OK so  Ive been promising an Aussie blog since I arrived here first week in October and I haven't quite got round to it! I had initially planned on doing this weekly but Im just gonna get stuck in and let it write itself.
I write a lot of my thoughts and feelings etc on my facebook and a topic which always gets a huge response is my writings/photos regarding the nastier creepy crawlies of Oz. So much so in fact that I decided to write a full blog just on this topic. Here we go!

First things first, for the benefit of any Aussie readers I shall fill you in on a little background about where I'm from. In Scotland, the worst thing we have to deal with on a daily basis is the weather. It could often be described as "A dreich day", meaning cold and miserable. In general, there is not much difference between summer and winter in Scotland as it rains pretty much all year round, we do get nice sunny days but they are few and far between. In my lifetime I can remember two possibly three summers that you could actually call "summer". The winters can be extreme. This year everyone back home is complaining that it is -15oC, transport has come to a halt with trains, buses and taxi services all suspended, schools and shops have closed and people are house-bound with no access to supermarkets etc. I have never minded the snow as there is something almost romantic about being wrapped up warm with scarf, gloves and several layers, traipsing through the snow/sleet to get home to a hot cup of chocolate, a warm shower/bath and then a cosy night in curled in front of the tv with a good book/dvd. A few days or even weeks of this however and the appeal is lost and it's back to grumbling about the miserable weather. I used to decribe the view from the window as looking out through a murky fishtank or even a mouldy snowglobe. In a word, grey.







However, I digress. Back to the beasties. Hmm,... Scottish beasties. Well, for starters  we don't have any deadly creatures. The last wild wolf was shot way back in the 1700s and I have never even seen the Loch Ness Monster. Large cats are the stuff of myth and we dont have bears. Spiders in Scotland do not bite and rarely grow larger than a ten pence piece. We have one snake, Vipera berus (the common adder) which is not aggressive and usually only bites when alarmed or disturbed. I have never seen one except in zoos. We have grass snakes but they are tiny and non-bitey and not really worth mentioning.  We do have millions of jellyfish but they're not that deadly and it is far too cold for most of the year to even contemplate going near the sea.  We have large birds of prey including eagles etc but you have to travel way out the cities for a glimpse of them and again they are few and far between and generally avoid humans. I think Scotlands plants are more troublesome, deadly nightshade, foxglove, nettles etc. although again they don't tend to be life-threatening just annoying.

What we do have in abundance is midges. Midges are like miniature mosquitos. Not life-threatening but very very annoying. You cant see them usually unless they are hanging about in a group (usually near trees or bodies of water). They bite you and usually the first you know about it you've got an itchy bit that's driving you crazy and you scratch til you bleed. The bites tend to come up in little lumps with a scabby bit in the middle. Treatment ideas range from dabbing with red wine, vinegar, calamine lotion, toothpaste, teatree oil, antihistamines etc etc the list goes on. I have found through vast experience that biting creatures love me. It is a documented fact that some people are chemically interesting to these bugs. There's something about me that they cannot resist. I have decided it must be because I am awesome. I have awesome sauce for blood. That's all it is. Throughout my life my memory is peppered with me scritchity scratching away at myself and dreaming of sandpaper. We used to joke that it would be cheaper and easier to just get me a flea collar.
So I came to Oz having done my research and knowing I'd be up against an insect horde of terrifying variety and abundance and forever seeking the shadows to stay out of the way of the fiery burning menace in the sky. However, when talking bugs with Australians I usually get a "Meh" response or "Yeah but you don't get them in the city" . I think either everyone here has the memory of a goldfish or they like to lie to themselves about numbers of beasties otherwise I dont think anyone would get any sleep. However, another possiblitly is that Calamity Pain here with her super-sweet super-chemically exciting awesome sauce blood is just a magnet for the horrors. Either way, I have encountered many horrors since arrival. Here are the more exciting tales for your amusement.

1) Pirates first encounter with a spider.

My first time seeing a spider in Australia was not long after Rogue arrived from Scotland, I think I'd been here about  a month. I awoke in the morning to a note in the kitchen that said " DEADLY White tailed spider inside, please kill, BamBam and Rogue are wusses and couldnt do it" placed next to an upturned glass containing a small but horribly creepy looking little spider. Ah-ha I thought here's my chance to play the hero. So armed with my copy of Hell's Angels I quickly smashed it and started the score-keeping in my head. Pirate 1 Spiders 0. White-tails are not actually deadly but I did a bit of reserach into them. They do not build webs, they hunt other spiders and they like to hide in clothes, shoes and bedding. What kind of a fucking spider doesnt build a web? Mental note to self, check all clothes and bed thoroughly before you get dressed or go to sleep.






2) Pirates first mozzie bite.
One night a few weeks ago there was a wild thunderstrom with crazy lightning, very fun to watch. As I was standing at the open back door watching the display I felt an itch on my thigh and started absent-mindedly scratching it. Didnt think anything of it, I scrutinised the area before I went to sleep but in the dull indoor light it was hard to tell if I'd been bitten or not so I just went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and got rather a fright. I had indeed been bitten and I now had a huge lump which was hard and tender to touch with a huge red ring of inflammatory crap all round it. A bit like a Millies cookie. Of pain. A pain cookie. On my thigh. In addition to this I had a bite on the calf of my other leg which reminded me of that scene in Requiem for a Dream. Bollox. Cue frantic google searches for a dr I can go to and I decide fuck it theres one literally just round the corner I shall go there and look ill. I toddled round to the surgery and explained my situation to the receptionist who was very nice and helped me fill out the paperwork so I could be seen. I only had to wait about ten minutes even though I didnt have an appointment and the dr was very nice. He wasn't too concerned about the requiem leg but he took one look at cookie leg and freaked.  I asked him what bit me and he said he wasnt sure but it looked like a Mozzie bite. Some people are just hyper sensitive to them (given my history that sounds about right). Straight on the antibiotics. Well, at least I'd be on the mend, all I had to do now was invest in some Deet. Yip. Mosquito kryptonite. Thats the plan.
Lesson learned today - when outside wear mosquito repellant.




3) Pirates second encounter with a spider
The second run-in with an eight-legged potentially hazardous creepy was at Sara's house. I had popped round in the afternoon to do the cleaning as arranged and was quite happily sweeping the floor when I stopped to pick up a tennis ball. There was a weird looking piece of fluff perched on the top of it and when I brought it right up to my face for a closer look I realised that Fluffys teeth were bigger than his legs! I promptly dropped the ball and with one fancy twirl/stomp quickfire Irish-dancing inspired movement that Michael Flatley would have been proud of I brought the creature its doom. Panic over I then took his carcass outside for closer inspection and a photoshoot. Upon returning home I did some research and found out the spider I had just laid waste to was a funnelweb. Here's some bedtime reading for you folks;
"Funnel-webs are one of the three most dangerous spiders in the world and are regarded by some to be the most dangerous. Their fangs are large and powerful, capable of penetrating fingernails and soft shoes. Funnel-webs are normally unaggressive but will defend themselves vigorously if frightened or threatened. During an attack the funnel-web spider generally maintains a tight grip on its victim and bites repeatedly, making it an especially traumatic experience for humans who are bitten and increasing the risk of severe envenomation."
However, I hasten to add what every Aussie tells me. Spider bites are rarely deadly as the hospitals over here are stuffed with anti-venom, people who die from spider bites are usually children, old people or those with weakened immune systems. Phew! That's alright then.





4)Pirates second mozzie bite.

The second time I was accosted by a winged menace I was in Noonys room watching a Dvd. Yes, indoors with others watching a doovd. My wrist, elbow and finger suddenly were on fire with itching it was driving me crazy. I could hardly watch the film it was drving me nuts but I didnt instantly realise I'd been bitten as no-one gets bitten on the finger or the elbow the skin is too tough and its too bony, normally mozzies go for fleshy parts. However, I looked down and sure enough theres a big stinking bite. The next day I got up and my whole wrist had swollen up to amost twice the size and the redness was spreading. Off I toddled to the drs again who promptly prescribed more antibiotics. This time I had to ice my wrist to try and get the swelling down.
Lesson learned today - wear repellant INSIDE the house. Keep the doors closed, get mozzie bombs and wash with citronella scented stuff.



5) Pirates eigth encounter with a spider

Since the funnelweb there had been many a spider splatting. The way it works with me is 1) The penalty for trespasssing is death and 2) Squash first, examine later. Given what happens to me when I get bitten by a common mosquito I will not be taking chances with the deadlier of creatures. Animal rights people can fuck off there are a million spiders but there's only one Pirate. I don't squash em if I'm on their territory, only when they wander into mine. Fair's fair. So, the Huntsman. Im in the kitchen with Noony and Albert and we've just finished dinner when Noony points out the HUGE huntsman sitting on the curtain. I scream at it and it jumps, I run and get a book all the while yelling dont let it get away! I also picked up my iphone (still havent bought a camera yet Im waitin on the January sales) to film this encounter. You can watch the video here if you are my friend on facebook-  http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=464581381459&set=a.460752491459.255050.771761459#!/video/video.php?v=484471056459&comments

Pirate 8 Spiders 0

6) Pirates 3rd mozzie bite
So you'd think I'd be getting the hang of this no-bitin Pirate malarky eh? Naw! Xmas day and Noony and I are gettin fucked up on Buckfast (I will write a whole blog on Buckie at some point as well most likely) and decide to sit on the front porch. I'm not a complete idiot so I spray all exposed areas with aeroguard (as per instructions on the back of the bottle) and we light a couple of mozzie coils. The next thing Im scratching the back of my right thigh. Oh oh. Yip. The wee fuckers have snuck up on me ninja style and bitten me through my jeans successfully avoiding mozzie coils and aeroguard. Dear oh dear so the next day I just leave it and apply cream to see if it will go away by itself but of course it didnt. To begin with I had a mark on the back of my thigh which trebled in size and then a mark appeared on my inner thigh which also then trebled in size. I headed to the hospital to see if I could get more antibiotics. I didnt have to wait too long to be seen and the nurse was nice and could gather that I knew what I was talking about. The doctor came in and basically told me to put corticosteroid cream on it and it would be fine. I said no freakin way. There is no freakin way I am leaving this hospital with a tube of cream which I already have and which you can see by the state of my leg is getting worse, not better. He was under the mistaken impression that I had been bitten on my inner thigh I said no, that is inflammatory spread I can assure you there is no bite there can you see a bite? No. So much arguing and he agrees to give me antibiotics. Idiot. I'm not a stupid person I wouldnt even be asking for them if I didnt need them and I sure as hell dont want to be on antibiotics for 20-odd days out of every month that's bullshit. I also dont appreciate it when they look at you and ask if you had mozzie spray on. I was like yes 40% heavy duty Deet motherfucker its supposed to be mosquito kryptonite!! He thought it was funny. To be honest I probably will too once the swelling and itching has calmed down.
Lesson learned - Wear mosquito spray outdoors/indoors/under clothes/on top of clothes/no tight jeans and light mozzie coils 10 mins before you leave house and have bug spray at all times.





So Im at the stage now where tomorrow I shall be hitting the town yet again to gather even more tools for my arsenal of mozzie bite prevention. They want a war I'll bring them a war. I cant afford to keep going to the dr for mozzy bites and it doesnt look like I'll be building up an immunity to them anytime soon. Here's hoping I've learned from my mistakes and I shall be putting 100% effort into not getting bitten! Wish me luck.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Saturday 25th September

So today is leaving day for everyone else. I met up with Dennis and Josh and we went for ramen one last time. The noodles were awesome but it was hard to smile as I knew I'd have to say goodbye shortly. I love hanging out with these guys they have an awesome sense of humour and I will miss them loads.

Back to the hotel. Everyone is packed and ready to go. Mitch had already left but I said my goodbyes to Aureole, Karin, Bruce, Crystal, Josh and Dennis. I head up to my hotel room to have a wee moment to myself to think about the amazing week that has just passed.

After a quiet moment to myself I head out to meet up with Adam he's drawing at Chopstix with Benny. We meet up and hang out for a bit, go for a wander and take some pictures. Adam has plans for dinner and although I am invited I say my goodbyes and head back to the hotel and pack my suitcase. 


Now for some random pics I took that I didn't have room for earlier!

 There are vending machines everywhere, for every 10 people in Japan there's a vending machine.


                                                    Manga, manga everywhere


                                          Pet store that sells mini dogs

                                   Hilarious t-shirts "It gets on the mama" is my favourite




                                               Not an uncommon sight in Osaka!

So, suitcase packed I get some take-away snacks and sit in my room and think, something I've not had time to do for a good long while.

When I think back on all that has happened in this year alone I think to myself that I am an incredibly lucky individual. Never in my wildest dreams would I picture myself here in this place in this moment. If you had asked me when I was a teenager where I would most like to visit if I could go anywhere, anywhere in the world at all Japan would have been number 1. To have been there twice in one year blows my mind. I'm not a well travelled person, before 2010 the number of places I have been to you could count on one hand. In this year alone I have been to Japan twice, America and now I'm heading to Australia. It's quite possibly the most exciting and terrifying thing I have ever done in my life.

This past week has been fabulous I LOVE Japan. I think when my Australian Visa is up I will definately be coming back here. For now though I have to move on, Littlest Hobo style :)


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Friday 24th September

Last day of the tour!!! Waaaaahhh!!! First up today its a look at a temple with an impressive gold building.  Jeffrey wanted to sail out to it and melt some down to make into teeth later but I told him if he did that the ghosts that guard the shrine would come after him. It was insanely busy you could hardly move for tourists from all round the world and huge groups of screaming kids! But I managed to get a good photo or two and the walk round the place was nice. There was a bit where you throw money on the ground but I cant remember why. I had a close eye on Jeffrey while we passed.  



 Next up was another temple this one high up in the mountains. There was some sort of rabbit/love theme going on but again Im not really sure what. This one was busy too but you could tell why the view was absolutely stunning. It took a fair while to walk round the place I would have liked to have gone back when the place was closed I can imagine it being really peaceful.







Next up Dennis tattoos Crystal! In his room. Tattoo party!!! Yey! Crystal was getting a really pretty bearded lady done on her leg. I really like his work if I ever get to go back to America I'll definately make a point of going to see him.  Tattoo didn’t take too long but Im sure it was more than enough for Crystal, this being the third(?) time she’d been tattooed in a week!


                                          Finito! Oh so purdy

And so we head off to have our final snackaroos! We go to our favourite place with the huge menu and order a mountain of food. I'd brought the See You Jimmy tartan hats along and gave them to Crystal. There was a bit of confusion as the Americans thought I was bringing condoms (jimmy hats) haha!

                           Horse sashimi. No we didnt have any!


And so concludes the tour of Osaka. Well, for everyone else except me! Due to the fact that I am a moron and can't handle numbers or dates or anything I booked my flights to Adelaide leaving on the Sunday, not Saturday. So I get an extra day in Osaka but I won't be alone as Adam is staying a little longer too. (And of course I have Jeffrey).

Tomorrow = tearful goodbyes!







Thursday 23rd September

First on the agenda today is head to Chopstix tattoo with Dennis for his appointment with Magoshi. I’m chief photographer on this mission - Crystal will pop in at some point to take pics as well. Jeffrey was quite excited and asked if he could get one too but I told him no chance after he shat out last time. 


Dennis was getting a piece surrounding an existing piece. Magoshi did some of the colour with tebori which I found really difficult to watch as I remembered how painful it was!  The whole thing was finished  in 2 and a half hours - impressive.


                                       Jeffrey can't watch!


After ink we went shopping. Got a bit lost. My bad. Found a cool book store where Jeffrey wandered off by himself again. Found him in the rabbit section so I left him to it. It was really hard shopping this time as I didn’t want to buy much knowing I’m limited to how much weight I can carry around. My suitcase already weighs a ton.  I did good though, all I bought was a corset. A wonderful, fabulous, tiny, tiny, tiny corset! Soooooooo happy! It’s impossible to find them back home that small. 


                                                        Jeffrey over-whelmed with desire

After shopping it was back to the hotel to meet everyone to go out for dinner. I met Mitch O’Connell in the lobby to get the prints signed for my awesome mate Laura. I wrote down “Flappy McGee” for him and he signed her prints AND he drew boabies on them. I couldn’t stop smiling thinking of her wee happy face as she opened the parcel. :)

 Dinner was at a BBQ place not far from the hotel. When you order your food they bring it out to you raw and you cook it yourself at the table. The beef was awesome! Even Jeffrey had a go.



After dinner we headed over to play ten pin bowling. I fucking love bowling but I can never find a ball I feel comfortable throwing. The ones for adults are too heavy and the lighter ones don’t have fingerholes big enough for me. Doh! My skills get worse as the game goes on and my arm gets tired. It was great fun though! I came first in our group and third overall. Yaaaaaaaaaarrrr!!
Another crazy day, another one to look forward to.

                                                   Jeffrey seems to have this effect on people