I write a lot of my thoughts and feelings etc on my facebook and a topic which always gets a huge response is my writings/photos regarding the nastier creepy crawlies of Oz. So much so in fact that I decided to write a full blog just on this topic. Here we go!
First things first, for the benefit of any Aussie readers I shall fill you in on a little background about where I'm from. In Scotland, the worst thing we have to deal with on a daily basis is the weather. It could often be described as "A dreich day", meaning cold and miserable. In general, there is not much difference between summer and winter in Scotland as it rains pretty much all year round, we do get nice sunny days but they are few and far between. In my lifetime I can remember two possibly three summers that you could actually call "summer". The winters can be extreme. This year everyone back home is complaining that it is -15oC, transport has come to a halt with trains, buses and taxi services all suspended, schools and shops have closed and people are house-bound with no access to supermarkets etc. I have never minded the snow as there is something almost romantic about being wrapped up warm with scarf, gloves and several layers, traipsing through the snow/sleet to get home to a hot cup of chocolate, a warm shower/bath and then a cosy night in curled in front of the tv with a good book/dvd. A few days or even weeks of this however and the appeal is lost and it's back to grumbling about the miserable weather. I used to decribe the view from the window as looking out through a murky fishtank or even a mouldy snowglobe. In a word, grey.
However, I digress. Back to the beasties. Hmm,... Scottish beasties. Well, for starters we don't have any deadly creatures. The last wild wolf was shot way back in the 1700s and I have never even seen the Loch Ness Monster. Large cats are the stuff of myth and we dont have bears. Spiders in Scotland do not bite and rarely grow larger than a ten pence piece. We have one snake, Vipera berus (the common adder) which is not aggressive and usually only bites when alarmed or disturbed. I have never seen one except in zoos. We have grass snakes but they are tiny and non-bitey and not really worth mentioning. We do have millions of jellyfish but they're not that deadly and it is far too cold for most of the year to even contemplate going near the sea. We have large birds of prey including eagles etc but you have to travel way out the cities for a glimpse of them and again they are few and far between and generally avoid humans. I think Scotlands plants are more troublesome, deadly nightshade, foxglove, nettles etc. although again they don't tend to be life-threatening just annoying.
What we do have in abundance is midges. Midges are like miniature mosquitos. Not life-threatening but very very annoying. You cant see them usually unless they are hanging about in a group (usually near trees or bodies of water). They bite you and usually the first you know about it you've got an itchy bit that's driving you crazy and you scratch til you bleed. The bites tend to come up in little lumps with a scabby bit in the middle. Treatment ideas range from dabbing with red wine, vinegar, calamine lotion, toothpaste, teatree oil, antihistamines etc etc the list goes on. I have found through vast experience that biting creatures love me. It is a documented fact that some people are chemically interesting to these bugs. There's something about me that they cannot resist. I have decided it must be because I am awesome. I have awesome sauce for blood. That's all it is. Throughout my life my memory is peppered with me scritchity scratching away at myself and dreaming of sandpaper. We used to joke that it would be cheaper and easier to just get me a flea collar.
So I came to Oz having done my research and knowing I'd be up against an insect horde of terrifying variety and abundance and forever seeking the shadows to stay out of the way of the fiery burning menace in the sky. However, when talking bugs with Australians I usually get a "Meh" response or "Yeah but you don't get them in the city" . I think either everyone here has the memory of a goldfish or they like to lie to themselves about numbers of beasties otherwise I dont think anyone would get any sleep. However, another possiblitly is that Calamity Pain here with her super-sweet super-chemically exciting awesome sauce blood is just a magnet for the horrors. Either way, I have encountered many horrors since arrival. Here are the more exciting tales for your amusement.
1) Pirates first encounter with a spider.
My first time seeing a spider in Australia was not long after Rogue arrived from Scotland, I think I'd been here about a month. I awoke in the morning to a note in the kitchen that said " DEADLY White tailed spider inside, please kill, BamBam and Rogue are wusses and couldnt do it" placed next to an upturned glass containing a small but horribly creepy looking little spider. Ah-ha I thought here's my chance to play the hero. So armed with my copy of Hell's Angels I quickly smashed it and started the score-keeping in my head. Pirate 1 Spiders 0. White-tails are not actually deadly but I did a bit of reserach into them. They do not build webs, they hunt other spiders and they like to hide in clothes, shoes and bedding. What kind of a fucking spider doesnt build a web? Mental note to self, check all clothes and bed thoroughly before you get dressed or go to sleep.
2) Pirates first mozzie bite.
One night a few weeks ago there was a wild thunderstrom with crazy lightning, very fun to watch. As I was standing at the open back door watching the display I felt an itch on my thigh and started absent-mindedly scratching it. Didnt think anything of it, I scrutinised the area before I went to sleep but in the dull indoor light it was hard to tell if I'd been bitten or not so I just went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and got rather a fright. I had indeed been bitten and I now had a huge lump which was hard and tender to touch with a huge red ring of inflammatory crap all round it. A bit like a Millies cookie. Of pain. A pain cookie. On my thigh. In addition to this I had a bite on the calf of my other leg which reminded me of that scene in Requiem for a Dream. Bollox. Cue frantic google searches for a dr I can go to and I decide fuck it theres one literally just round the corner I shall go there and look ill. I toddled round to the surgery and explained my situation to the receptionist who was very nice and helped me fill out the paperwork so I could be seen. I only had to wait about ten minutes even though I didnt have an appointment and the dr was very nice. He wasn't too concerned about the requiem leg but he took one look at cookie leg and freaked. I asked him what bit me and he said he wasnt sure but it looked like a Mozzie bite. Some people are just hyper sensitive to them (given my history that sounds about right). Straight on the antibiotics. Well, at least I'd be on the mend, all I had to do now was invest in some Deet. Yip. Mosquito kryptonite. Thats the plan.
Lesson learned today - when outside wear mosquito repellant.
3) Pirates second encounter with a spider
The second run-in with an eight-legged potentially hazardous creepy was at Sara's house. I had popped round in the afternoon to do the cleaning as arranged and was quite happily sweeping the floor when I stopped to pick up a tennis ball. There was a weird looking piece of fluff perched on the top of it and when I brought it right up to my face for a closer look I realised that Fluffys teeth were bigger than his legs! I promptly dropped the ball and with one fancy twirl/stomp quickfire Irish-dancing inspired movement that Michael Flatley would have been proud of I brought the creature its doom. Panic over I then took his carcass outside for closer inspection and a photoshoot. Upon returning home I did some research and found out the spider I had just laid waste to was a funnelweb. Here's some bedtime reading for you folks;
"Funnel-webs are one of the three most dangerous spiders in the world and are regarded by some to be the most dangerous. Their fangs are large and powerful, capable of penetrating fingernails and soft shoes. Funnel-webs are normally unaggressive but will defend themselves vigorously if frightened or threatened. During an attack the funnel-web spider generally maintains a tight grip on its victim and bites repeatedly, making it an especially traumatic experience for humans who are bitten and increasing the risk of severe envenomation."
However, I hasten to add what every Aussie tells me. Spider bites are rarely deadly as the hospitals over here are stuffed with anti-venom, people who die from spider bites are usually children, old people or those with weakened immune systems. Phew! That's alright then.
4)Pirates second mozzie bite.
The second time I was accosted by a winged menace I was in Noonys room watching a Dvd. Yes, indoors with others watching a doovd. My wrist, elbow and finger suddenly were on fire with itching it was driving me crazy. I could hardly watch the film it was drving me nuts but I didnt instantly realise I'd been bitten as no-one gets bitten on the finger or the elbow the skin is too tough and its too bony, normally mozzies go for fleshy parts. However, I looked down and sure enough theres a big stinking bite. The next day I got up and my whole wrist had swollen up to amost twice the size and the redness was spreading. Off I toddled to the drs again who promptly prescribed more antibiotics. This time I had to ice my wrist to try and get the swelling down.
Lesson learned today - wear repellant INSIDE the house. Keep the doors closed, get mozzie bombs and wash with citronella scented stuff.
5) Pirates eigth encounter with a spider
Since the funnelweb there had been many a spider splatting. The way it works with me is 1) The penalty for trespasssing is death and 2) Squash first, examine later. Given what happens to me when I get bitten by a common mosquito I will not be taking chances with the deadlier of creatures. Animal rights people can fuck off there are a million spiders but there's only one Pirate. I don't squash em if I'm on their territory, only when they wander into mine. Fair's fair. So, the Huntsman. Im in the kitchen with Noony and Albert and we've just finished dinner when Noony points out the HUGE huntsman sitting on the curtain. I scream at it and it jumps, I run and get a book all the while yelling dont let it get away! I also picked up my iphone (still havent bought a camera yet Im waitin on the January sales) to film this encounter. You can watch the video here if you are my friend on facebook- http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=464581381459&set=a.460752491459.255050.771761459#!/video/video.php?v=484471056459&comments
Pirate 8 Spiders 0
6) Pirates 3rd mozzie bite
So you'd think I'd be getting the hang of this no-bitin Pirate malarky eh? Naw! Xmas day and Noony and I are gettin fucked up on Buckfast (I will write a whole blog on Buckie at some point as well most likely) and decide to sit on the front porch. I'm not a complete idiot so I spray all exposed areas with aeroguard (as per instructions on the back of the bottle) and we light a couple of mozzie coils. The next thing Im scratching the back of my right thigh. Oh oh. Yip. The wee fuckers have snuck up on me ninja style and bitten me through my jeans successfully avoiding mozzie coils and aeroguard. Dear oh dear so the next day I just leave it and apply cream to see if it will go away by itself but of course it didnt. To begin with I had a mark on the back of my thigh which trebled in size and then a mark appeared on my inner thigh which also then trebled in size. I headed to the hospital to see if I could get more antibiotics. I didnt have to wait too long to be seen and the nurse was nice and could gather that I knew what I was talking about. The doctor came in and basically told me to put corticosteroid cream on it and it would be fine. I said no freakin way. There is no freakin way I am leaving this hospital with a tube of cream which I already have and which you can see by the state of my leg is getting worse, not better. He was under the mistaken impression that I had been bitten on my inner thigh I said no, that is inflammatory spread I can assure you there is no bite there can you see a bite? No. So much arguing and he agrees to give me antibiotics. Idiot. I'm not a stupid person I wouldnt even be asking for them if I didnt need them and I sure as hell dont want to be on antibiotics for 20-odd days out of every month that's bullshit. I also dont appreciate it when they look at you and ask if you had mozzie spray on. I was like yes 40% heavy duty Deet motherfucker its supposed to be mosquito kryptonite!! He thought it was funny. To be honest I probably will too once the swelling and itching has calmed down.
Lesson learned - Wear mosquito spray outdoors/indoors/under clothes/on top of clothes/no tight jeans and light mozzie coils 10 mins before you leave house and have bug spray at all times.
So Im at the stage now where tomorrow I shall be hitting the town yet again to gather even more tools for my arsenal of mozzie bite prevention. They want a war I'll bring them a war. I cant afford to keep going to the dr for mozzy bites and it doesnt look like I'll be building up an immunity to them anytime soon. Here's hoping I've learned from my mistakes and I shall be putting 100% effort into not getting bitten! Wish me luck.
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